I was at Norway’s Nationals, powerlifting competition this weekend. Watched some seriously strong women lift some serious weights. It was all fun and games until a few hours in I got hit by a random anxiety attack. You know, the kind that just drops down on you from orbit and you just go “what the fuck? I’m sitting here, chilling, having fun, all in good company. What is this bullshit?”. I gave up resisting, so I just went “Fuck it. It is what it is” and rolled with it. It persisted for a total of 2-3 hours, and after that I was just exhausted. You know, like “I just went on a 10km sprint after eating only an apple for breakfast”-type thing. Only logical thing to do is to light up a scented candle, power down all lights, make some good food, fire up Dire Hard 2 on the media center, and have a bucket of icecream for dessert, while trying to shift down a few gears.
Today, I’m sick. Been sick for three-four days now, but I really wanted to lift. A friend of mine talked me into going to the gym. “Fuck it. I’m doing this” I thought. Packed the gym bag and ran out to catch the train, after finishing up a round of Diablo 3. It’s a great workout actually. I decided to do back squats, just going “Fuck it” (it must be a National “Fuck it” Day in my head today), “I’m gonna hold the bar on the most outer grip length. Fuck these shoulders. Fuck the setup. Fuck yo cold. I’m doing this. It’s been three weeks since last time. I’m hungry.” And it worked just fine, 100% pain free. Loaded up 85% of my max and went 5×5. After I was done, on the way home, I had an epiphany. I’m always thinking about something, you see. I’m curious about life, why things are as they are, why I am as I am, the nature of….well…everything. It intrigues me. I’m 100% legit curious. Today’s epiphany is: Value systems.
See, in the world I’m living, not sure about you, but in the world *I’m* living in, I see these value systems. I didn’t realize what they were until today, but I saw them all along, not being able to pinpoint what they really were. Better late than never, I guess. This whole anxiety fit got me thinking. Anxiety is usually a sign of stress, and yesterday’s was….rightly so. I’m stressed by other’s value systems being either enforced on me or bleeding through into mine. Being fit. Having a brilliant career. Having a large social circle. Having a good car. Being strong compared to my weight. How attractive I am. How many women I laid throughout the years. How freaky the sex was. How many countries I’ve visited or the number of “once in a life time memories”. The likes on Tinder. How charismatic I am. Etc etc. It’s all around me, and naturally, as every other human being I want to fit in. I want to “match” the level. I want to be worth no less. Except there’s the problem: the value system. I’m trying to match other’s values. Values that I really don’t value just as much. And then it dawned on me: “I, in fact, don’t give a fuck”.
I cannot describe the weight that was lifted from my shoulders. THAT, my friends, was a “once in a lifetime” kind of memory. It just dawned on me, “I don’t give a fuck. It doesn’t matter. I don’t value this shit. It’s not important to me. What others think is important has NO relevance to my own internal set of values.” I just realized that all the shit I felt the weight of lately doesn’t mean shit to me. It bleeds through into my own system and I start valuing all these things because others do. But hey! Those values ain’t mine and I don’t have to do anything with them. I don’t have to match shit. What I need to match, in reality, is the level of my own values. Shit I care about. Close friends. Pizza nights. Workout sessions with my bro’s and my ladies (ya’ll some strong, dedicated motherfuckers. You know who you are). Food on my table. Being able to go out on a random night out, drink beer and eat fat-ass, delicious, foodgasmic burgers. To come home, drop my pants, rip a fart, fire up my PC and play some Diablo. Read a book. Read SEVERAL books. Watch a god damn movie or a TV-show. Go on a walk through the woods with a friend. Or even fuckin’ alone. I don’t give a fuck. The freedom. The nature. That’s the shit I value. I value experiences that give me something. Challenge me. Enrich me. Invigorate me. I value friends that I can confide in. I value friends I can talk shit with. And guess what: what other’s think about my set of values doesn’t mean jack. I’m the only person living by them and valuing them. Everything else is secondary.
It’s so easy to slide into this shit. Try to fit in. Chase dreams that aren’t yours, buying shit you don’t need to impress people we have no connection to.Try to keep up with someone or something. It’s a part of human psyche, but you really have to be aware of that. Trust yourself. And your values.